Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Today's Sexiest Men: An Alternative Top 10


Pronunciation: \ˈsek-sē\

Function: adjective

1 : sexually suggestive or stimulating
2 : generally attractive or interesting

I've decided that People's 'Sexiest Men Alive' list will simply not do. Nor will any of the other numerous 'World's Sexiest' lists that circulate via the internet, magazines, etc. I refuse to be TOLD that Robert Pattinson is sexy. I mean, really? My grandmother had more swagger than that guy whilst in her 80's – Nay, the bottle of beer that I inhaled while I dredged my way through People's previous 'Sexiest Men Alive' lists had more swagger than R-Patts (And aroused me more than he ever could, FYI).

Ladies, gents - I reject the idea that I'm expected to fantasise about that flat-faced plank, and I resent the fact that I receive horrified looks from my female counterparts whenever I speak about this. How, in the name of all things sexy, did the female population come to admire such a painfully boring young man? How – how I ask you – did he come to be viewed as the pinnacle of sexiness? Likewise with Sack Efron, Bland Pitt, Taylor Scrunchface Lautner and Patrick Dempsey. I'm sorry, I couldn't think of a pun on either Patrick or Dempsey.

Now, as far as I can gather, sexiness – as mentioned in the above definition – is the culmination of a few things; attractiveness, a certain erotic aura, and an interesting, stimulating personality. Sure, anyone can see that R-Patts et al have very symmetrical, conventionally attractive features - but beyond their good-looks, I don't understand how they could fit into the 'Sexy' bracket. And as far as interesting personalities and eroticism goes, Pigeon Feet detects nothing of this from these men. This could be down to the fact that they're either plain uninteresting, or that they just haven't been given the chance to convey their witty, educated selves to the general public. Either way, it still doesn't seem right that they can be stamped with the sexy label, simply because all they have – or all that has been presented to us – is attractiveness. By all means, put them on a 'Top 100 Conventionally Handsome' list, because the likes of Robert Pattinson are obviously very good-looking – but 'Top 100 Sexiest'? No. I'm not down with that.

So, here I am, doing away with convention and compiling a list of who I view as sexy. Those men who have sexiness positively oozing from their ears. Agree with me or not; it doesn't really matter. The point is that I'm getting it out there as my tiny, insignificant 'No thank you' to People's and others' declaration of what is sexy.

10) Nigel Kennedy

You might not know this man, but I strongly suggest you become acquainted with him. His name is Nigel Kennedy; one of the top violinists in the world, known amongst classical music enthusiasts for his cheeky persona and tendency to experiment with works by the likes of Vivaldi and Bach. Nige looks and acts as though he jumped straight out of 70's Punk era Britain. With both sides of his head clean shaven and the remaining hair whipped upwards to the sky, the heavy duty boots, his generally quirky taste in fashion, Nigel certainly doesn't strike you as someone who belongs on stage before a tuxedod orchestra. Not to mention the Mockney accent - Yes, he speaks in a Mockney accent. Initially, it all seems so wrong and out of place, but once there's a violin carefully poised beneath his jaw and he's tapping his foot along to the Bach he's banging out, you realise that Kennedy belongs nowhere else. But why the Mockney accent and, eh, everything else? Well, Kennedy totally rejects the snobbish, alienating nature of the classical world and voices this opinion frequently. His persona is a sort of 'Fawk you' to the snooty puritans – those Classical critics who chastise him for his 'Grotesque, self-invented accent' and 'Ludicrous clothes'. Gimme a break - If you really care about the music, then listen to the freakin' music and stop pooh-poohing over the fact that someone may be lowering the tone of the Classical world. Nige organises events and performs in a way that makes classical accessible to all. The mood is informal as he smiles and moves to the rhythm of the music. He interacts with the crowd in between sets; Basically, you can see that he's clearly enjoying himself, which is an approach that's been very successful in the popularising of classical music over the years. Exceptional talent, great hair, a justified 'F you' attitude to ponces, and performances with the likes of Kate Bush and The Who? Yes, Pigeon Feet most definitely recognises Nigel Kennedy as a sexy gent.

If you'd like to see him in action, then look no further:


9) David Hyde Pierce

At the number 9 spot we have David Hyde Pierce, one of the stars of the hit TV show, Frasier. Throughout the series, we watched as David acted his socks off to comedic and dramatic perfection, hit all the right notes with his lovely singing voice, and run his elegant fingers masterfully over the keys of Frasier's Steinway grand piano. Not once during the 264 episodes did I ever become disinterested in Hyde Pierce's character, Niles, or question his ability to pull a scene off. I pitied him, laughed with him, laughed at him, was annoyed by him and adored him – all because of DHP's superb abilities as an actor. Not only is he a talented individual, but he is perfectly handsome, in my opinion of course. His delicate, small frame, golden hair, innocent blue eyes and cleft chin make me tingle - as do his precious trouser braces. And did you know that he initially set out to be a classical pianist? I can never resist a pianist. I don't know about you, but I think this talented, multi-award winning, piano playing, well-spoken, uber confident man belongs on any 'Sexiest' list.

8) Patrick Stewart

Taking the number 8 spot is the beautiful Sir Patrick Stewart, aka the calm and collected Captain Picard of the Starship Enterprise. Words to perfectly describe Stewart: Distinguished, composed, prolific, refined, funny, authoritative, Shakespearian... I could go on, but then we wouldn't get to the end of this darn list. You'll begin to realise that I can't resist a man who holds himself with a quiet dignity and commands respect without even opening his mouth - and Patrick does just that. When he appears on screen, you know that some solemn-faced shit is about to go down. In interviews, Stewart displays a sharp intelligence and keen wit, as well as a charming self-deprecating humour which proves he shares none of Captain Picard's stern disposition. His stint on Ricky Gervais' TV show, Extras, also has to be noted. His ridiculous dialogue was delivered with such perfect comedic timing that it's hard to believe the same man played Professor Xavier and Captain Picard.

7) Richard Dawkins

My favourite science nerd, Richard Dawkins. Is there anything better than a person who doesn't realise they're sexy - to me, at least? Put aside his personal views for a moment and look at the man solely on an aesthetic level. If I happened to pass him on the street, all suited up and bespectacled, I can honestly say that my first impression would be 'Phwoar'. You'll probably come to notice that I have a weakness for older (Possibly an understatement), smart dressers - and I'll admit to that with not one millisecond of shame. Look at that jaw, those greenish-brownish, fabulous eyes, the sallow skin, that salt and pepper hair, the slender body... Doll all that loveliness up in a three-piece suit and this particular homo sapiens is mush on the ground. His determination and sheer boldness in tearing away the cloth when he sees injustice is, in my opinion, very admirable, when he no doubt receives death threats on a regular basis. Sure, I disagree with Richard every so often, but I'll always have respect for the way he stands firm on his opinions and voices them when most others would cower in the face of mass disapproval. When I pair the handsomeness with his endless knowledge on science and a mischievous sense of humour (Yes, I was also surprised to discover that he had one), I find it hard to understand how every woman isn't falling at his feet. But then, I realise that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and one's opinion on attractiveness is completely subjective. Or you could be religious.

Such a cutie. Call me, Richard.

6) Steve Buscemi

Oh, Steve Buscemi. Lovely, sweet Steve Buscemi. Men and women alike all seem to share a deep love for Steve; Men love him because he isn't threatening as far as looks go and he's acted in awesome movies which many might class as having a bigger male fanbase, eg. The Big Lebowski, Barton Fink, Reservoir Dogs, and Con Air (Apologies for stereotyping, because I know there are many other ladies like myself out there with great taste in movies). Women love him for pretty much the same reasons, and because of the incredibly adorable Seymour of Ghost World:

No, he's not in possession of the most symmetrical face, and you probably wouldn't do a double take if you passed him on the street (And he wasn't very famous) – but that's part of his charm. He presents himself as the geek, the annoying guy who speaks with the speed of light, the crazed psychopath, the hanger-on who nobody pays much attention to. But although he's taken on a huge range of different personalities, Buscemi has never been the love interest. His self-deprecating humour is endearing, and the fact that he often makes fun of his unique looks just makes you want to squeeze him. As his private detective character in 30 Rock proudly states: "They used to call me the chameleon because of my slender frame and big, wet eyes." Not only that, but Steve also writes and directs his own movies, and continues to volunteer in his previous job as a fireman. I love this guy and quite frankly, I'd like to keep him in my pocket so that he could whisper naughty things to me all day.

5) Dylan Moran

To be honest, I can never really tell whether Dylan Moran is sober or shitfaced whenever his dishevelled head pops up on my TV/computer screen. And I like that. His words sound slurred and his blinking slow for the most part, but yet he speaks with such an eloquence that it often sounds as though he's reciting a bizarre form of poetry. For instance: “I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?” Don't let his ignorant, raging alcoholic character from Black Books fool you – Moran is a highly intelligent guy, with various newspaper articles and awards under his belt. He's apparently very well read, and you can tell by his colourful vocabulary and the way he constructs his sentences. In interviews, Moran seems a little guarded, maybe even a bit shy at times, but once he gets comfortable he begins to throw out sprinkles of bizarre comedic genius. There isn't usually a long build-up or story behind his punchlines, but rather, single sentences will be the beginning and punchline of a joke - and they'll be so simple that you'll wonder how you were unable to think of something similar.

It's really Moran's most recognisable character, Bernard Black, who first had me thinking naughty things. With a cigarette constantly hanging from his mouth and a bottle of wine never too far away, Bernard's broodiness and lack of sexuality appealed to my love for tortured souls who have no room for love in their lives – though I assume Bernard was only really tortured when he had zero access to alcohol. The fact that he constantly wore a scowl simply made me want to give him a hug, even though I'm well aware that said hug would immediately be rejected. Oh, Dylan, you inadvertently created a sexy masterpiece.

4) Daniel Radcliffe

Ah, Daniel. I mostly keep this one to myself because, well, he's Harry Potter – possibly the most asexual fictional character in existence. I'll be honest here; I found it difficult to watch Dan's brick-acting in the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Harry Potter flicks without cringing. But from the 4th movie onwards the cringing began to dissipate every so slightly, until the 6th movie arrived and I was finally able to enjoy his performance. But that isn't the Daniel who has bewitched me. No, I've instead found a distinct sexiness in the 'Interview Daniel' and 'Saucy Photoshoot Daniel' of late. So there I was in 2009, minding my own business, when the publicity machine for the latest HP movie suddenly jumped into action. Soon, Dan Rad's face was everywhere, and I couldn't help but notice he'd grown into quite the nice-looking fellow. And those enormous blue eyes, holy mother of... Put simply, I was impressed. Then interviews with the star began to pop up and, my God, he just seems ridiculously lovely and grounded – so much so that it's hard to believe he's sitting on an enormous fortune for someone his age. The hyperactive, chatty kid that Dan used to be has now morphed into a devilishly handsome, hyperactive, chatty adult – and it has translated very well, if you ask me. With an interest in politics and religion (or lack thereof) that he voices regularly, as well as constant and open call for gay rights, Dan is one guy who definitely has his head screwed on the right way; a head which seems to be far beyond his years. I see him in interviews with the big leagues; James Lipton, Conan O'Brien, Dave Letterman, and he's perfectly able to give as good as he gets, with insightful perspectives on his odd life, and a sharp sense of humour. I'm being repetitive, I know, but he has a wonderful self-deprecating wit and humbleness – both aspects of a person's character which I'm always drawn to. On his aversion to math, Dan states: "Too many little numbers on one page!" How cute, y'all. And he's clearly not one of the cool kids whom he says 'Don't interest me.' Instead, he comes off as nerdy and rather eccentric. Listen to his approach to the paparazzi who snapped each night after a performance in 'Equus': “They were outside the theatre every single night, but we came up with a cunning ruse. I would wear the same outfit every time - a different T-shirt underneath, but I'd wear the same jacket and zip it up so they couldn't see what I was wearing underneath, and the same hat. So they could take pictures for six months, but it would look like the same day, so they (photos) became unpublishable.” Ha!
As well as that, his taste in music is rather delicious, he plays the bass, and he had the courage to present himself on stage in the play Equus numerous times without so much as a sock on. This decision to remove himself so far away from his role as Harry Potter and place himself out of his comfort zone to prove that, yes, he is a man is quite impressive. And just look at these clothes:


3) Christian Bale

Christian, as you know, frequents many 'Sexiest' lists, and it is a title that I definitely think applies to him. Incredibly handsome and with the Hollywood superstar status stamped to his name, Christian is very, well, obvious. But, people, have you heard the sound clip? The one where he loses his temper with a crew member who unwittingly wandered onto the set which Christian was working on at the time? After coming across it, my interest in Bale increased tenfold. Why? Because it was freakin' hilarious, and as far as I could tell, his anger was justified. You don't just creep around a set willy-nilly while a scene is being filmed. You just don't! Anyway, Christian's talent was obvious at a very early age. I can remember watching Empire of the Sun for the first time when I was around 10 years old and bawling at the hardships of Bale's character, Jamie. It all just seemed so real and I was absolutely engrossed in his plight. Now, over 10 years later, I still get teary-eyed and can recognise a superb performance when I see one. The pain that Christian's character was going through is postively etched on his face throughout the entire movie, and I can honestly say that it's probably my favourite performance from a child actor to date.
Fast forward to the present day and Bale still has me engrossed. As the American Psycho, he was stellar; the same as The Machinest - in which he was unrecognisable from extreme weight loss - and as the iconic Batman. Dedication like his is hella sexy.
Off the set, Christian keeps his private life very private, which is where I enter in with a mini-rant. I find it hard to stomach when the likes of Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston complain about their private lives being splashed across every magazine in existence. If you hate it so darn much, then take a leaf from Christian's book. It is possible to have a private life. And it is possible to protect your kids from the paparrazi. Heck, Bale won't even confirm the name of his daughter in the press.
But I digress. Where was I? Oh, yes. Christian Bale. Sexy.

2) John Malkovich

I'm sorry, but it's time for another bald dude, because John Malkovich makes me so happy – both in my brain and in my pants. I'm not quite sure how to put my love for this man into words. Perhaps it's because he was the star and subject of one of my all-time favourite movies, Being John Malkovich, and the sense of humour that was needed in taking on this project. Perhaps it's because he has divine fashion sense and designs clothes to boot. Perhaps it's our shared love of Tom Waits. Maybe it's because he's the gayest straight man I've ever set eyes on. Or it could be that he truly flatters me and my sex; 'I probably have more female friends than any man I've ever met. What I like about them is that almost always they're generally mentally tougher, and they're better listeners, and they're more capable of surviving things.' And it's not just that; I also think he has a devilishly handsome face. If it was possible to fall into eyes, I would most definitely be hurtling through Mr. Malkovich's. You guys, they look like they're made of dough and Maltesers. I just... I just... Guh. Aloof, intense, quiet, crazed, MALKOVICH! - John rocks my socks – and underwear – off. Too much info? That is the risk you take when you come here.

1) Crispin Glover

I think this blog has already drank it's fill of the bizarre entity that is Crispin Glover. Suffice it to say that he is an interesting man - whether it all be a facade or his genuine personality. I'd encourage everyone to discover this man for themselves. Wonderful actor, adorable speaking-voice, facinating opinions, great face, stunning suits and hair - Sexay!